Chris Benoit DVD

Source: Creepypasta Wiki

When writing Creepypasta about original characters or beloved, fictional characters I think it's safe to say that you can pretty much do whatever you want. I maintain that the best Pastas do stay in the realm of realism (though obviously you can bend it) but when doing stuff like Lost Episodes or made up creatures like Slenderman, you can bend the rules quite a bit more and it can still work.

That is why, I think, you don't see many Pastas (much less successful ones) that deal with real life people or incidents. There is plenty of potential in a few cases, and if done right it takes everything to a whole new level of unnerving, but with police science, autopsies, and the like having improved so much it is hard to really make any of these convincing. We, generally, will know, or at least have some idea of what happened.

Which brings me to today's Pasta, which has the oh so creative title: Chris Benoit DVD.

For those of you who don't know, Chris Benoit was considered one of the greatest technical professional wrestlers of all time by many fans. However, in the year 2007 Chris Benoit committed one of the most heinous acts that any wrestler has ever committed outside the ring, killing his wife Nancy Benoit (some of you may remember her as "Woman" if you watched WCW or ECW) and his son Daniel Benoit. He then took his own life by hanging himself in his weight room.

This has sparked a lot of debate that I am NOT here to talk about; It has also sparked many conspiracy theories that insist that Benoit was murdered ALONGSIDE his family. Could such a theory be turned into a good Creepypasta? Let's find out...
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I've been big fan of pro-wrestling since 1998. My favorite superstar for a long time was Chris Benoit. However, in 2007, Benoit killed his wife, his son and, finally, himself. The incident became highly infamous, resulting in new legislature and a complete cleansing of Benoit's career from WWE's archives. It was also shocking for all those who followed Benoit over the years.

The strangest thing happened on the one-year anniversary of his death. Searching on EBay, I found a Chris Benoit DVD. The price was one dollar, including shipping. I was amazed at such a low price and thought no damage in buying what will most likely be a collector's item in the future.

Firstly, unless this dude got free shipping, it is impossible to find anything on EBay that costs $1 including Shipping; Trust me, I know. I don't care if Cthulhu himself is the seller, it ain't happening. More importantly though, the author actually showed a picture of what this supposed future collector's item is...

I normally wouldn't point this out, but I actually HAVE this DVD set. It only has 2 discs (as most WWE releases tended to have at the time it was released) with one being a, now hard to watch, documentary and the other being purely a match collection.

On the one hand, I'm impressed the author actually decided to show this image as opposed to just ignoring it or just having a case that reads "CHRIS BENOIT" on it, but perhaps that would of been the better way to go. If this dude is a Chris Benoit fan, then he probably should already know about the DVD set, so he should know something is not right right away...

...But I'm getting ahead of myself.

When the box arrived at my house, it was in good condition. It had 3 discs, all seeming in tact and untampered...but in a pocket in the back of the set, I saw another disc. Its label read: 4th DISC: DELETED SCENES AND SPECIAL CLIPS. I wondered if this 4th disc was a new addition, but that never made sense to me, seeing that WWE erased him from their universe. Even in his lifetime, I can't imagine they would dedicate 4 discs to a wrestler made iconic by WCW, considering their own super creation Triple H only got 2 discs in his earlier box set.

See, the dude even admits that something is suspicious but, in true Creepypasta Idiot Hero fashion, he shrugs it off pretty quickly. He should of been suspicious the second he saw 3 discs.

I first inserted the 1st disc on the tray of my DVD player. There was an unusually short documentary, a couple of longer matches and some rather dry bonus features. Then the strangest thing happened. At the halfway point of duration of the current video clip, a pop-up message was displayed. It read: ...Want to see more?

"I've got some footage from the Hulk Hogan sex tape right here and ready to go."

Out of jumpiness I wanted to scream NO. The message then changed. I expected it to read "Go to Disc 2" or something like that. But instead, it read: "...Yes."

"Then it started to show footage of Daniel Bryan, with blood coming out of his eye sockets, going, "YES! YES!! YES!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!"

I was like, "What the fuck?" I was scared already. The Disc ejected by itself. I was creeped to death.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you put in disc 2 anyway, right?

I checked the set. I saw in the box that the 2nd and the 3rd discs were missing.

I can admit when I'm wrong... So this means you are going to do the dumbest thing possible and put in disc 4 AKA the disc that made you suspicious in the first place, right?

The 4th disc was still in it's pocket. I put the fourth disc on the DVD tray and the feature started.

I know I shouldn't count a second attempt at guessing a "win" but I CAN consider myself a winner for not being a moron like you...

There were strange messages that occasionally popped up on the TV screen. They said "...Do you know who did this?"

A mediocre writer writing a crappy story?

...or "...Chris didn't kill them."

You know, the thing that depresses me most is that I know some easily tricked sap out there looked at this, believed it, and then what on a forum to rant about how this is the "REAL story" behind these murders... Or at least he would have if...

...Again, getting ahead of myself.

These messages lasted two or three seconds. It then showed us the living room of what I assumed to be the Benoit family.

Chris, in the distance was holding something to the dresser in his bedroom. I couldn't tell what it was due to mediocre definition, but I had a damn good feeling what it was going to be. Surely, he lifted it off the dresser, and it turned to be a gun in his hand. He shot whoever was filming him on the first shot. When the cameraman fell and the camera tumbled, I could see that his wife Nancy was filming the event with their son Daniel.

NO! NO!! NO!!! Stop it... Just stop it!

*Leaves room to regain composure. The sound of a head violently banging against the wall can be heard. Returns to the room, blood slowly trickling down from his forehead.*

...OK... Resume...

Then the unexpected happened. Behind Benoit, in the window, there was a man that looked like an agile Gargoyle.

...

*Bites lip. Shakes violently...*

He wore an evil grin to his face. He snatched Benoit's gun. He shot Benoit in the back of the head 15 times in a row. Benoit somehow still seemed barely alive. The Gargoyle was laughing like a Devil.

*Slams a fist on a table* OK, STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!!!! Just... No. NO! Bad writer, BAD WRITER!!!

I will just recap the rest of this goddamn story so I can go ahead and get to my final thoughts rant, basically, the Gargoyle... Let's just assume it's this one:

Gaze into the face of evil.

He's in the author's house. The author breaks the disc and the Gargoyle vanishes... Because the author doesn't want to kill himself off. He then calls the dude who sold him the disc and the dude reveals ZOMG PLOT TWIST the author is now the demon's vessel... I think. Either way, I'm grateful this is over!

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Final Thoughts: 

I have NEVER been pissed off at a Creepypasta before. Irritated with, yes. Annoyed with, yes. Straight up, boiling pot mad with, no.

Let me be clear, the idea that a demon possessed Benoit and had him commit the murders is fine, if horribly cliche and unreal. I understand it may not be to everyone's taste, and you most certainly have a right to feel that way, but that wouldn't cross my personal levels of taste.

HOWEVER, the sheer stupidity of how it is done here is what pisses me off. Three minutes... THREE GODDAMN MINUTES... of research throws the whole damn Pasta out the window. There is suspension of disbelief, then there is insulting the reader's intelligence.

If you are going to do a Creepypasta based off of a well know, real life incident then take the time to FUCKING RESEARCH IT!!! Make sure your Pasta can have SOME validity. Otherwise, all you wrote is meaningless, non-creepy, non-scary drivel.

The fact that he threw in demonic possession just makes this all the stupider. If some research had been done before writing this, you could of had an OK, not great, not good, but OK pasta here. The demon, using Benoit's body, killed Nancy and Daniel using the methods Benoit actually used in real life (strangulation and suffocation respectively) then have a remorseful Benoit, believing himself to be the culprit for whatever reason, commit suicide. It retains (a little) plausibility AND the demon could be viewed by some (specifically, the people who believe it was due to steroid abuse) as being symbolic for Benoit's own, personal demons resulting in the death of his loved ones.

I feel awkward as hell writing that, believe me, and as I said it still wouldn't of been great, but it would of been alright.

Instead, I feel insulted.

Final Verdict: Over 9000 fits of rage!!!

Well... That was "fun." Wonder what I'll be doing ne-...

*Gets cut off by the sound of a ringing phone. Picks up* Hello...

"Hey Deathedge, it's me... Appy!"

...Oh god no...

Knob.EXE

Source: Creepypasta Wiki Author: As per usual, I'm not 100% sure... Alright, I'm back (well behind my intended goal... Bleh.) and ready to post, but not quite ready to try and resume the horror of our favorite child killing fruit. No, let's go after bad photo shop art instead...

PERFECT!

 I do want to say before I begin that this story is clearly meant as a parody of Sonic.EXE, but it's not really funny... At all. Well, OK, that crappy image you just saw is kind of funny, but the story backing it just falls flat. So, without further ado, let's dive right in... ...

Oh wait, two other things, firstly my comments will now be in bold during the story itself. The other thing is that this is part of a series on the Goodman siblings, the other two being 1dollar.wav and The CamCoder. I actually can safely recommend those two, as they are actually pretty creepy and well written. 

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 For crying out loud, what is it with my family and creepy stuff always happening to us?!

How the hell should I know!? Oh, sorry, let me elaborate.

Yeah, you probably should.

 I am Sally Goodman, one of the three Goodman siblings. The other two are John Goodman and Henry Goodman, my brothers. Lately freaky things have been happening to us. First John gets haunted by some insane ghost hag. Then a freaky mutant girl's face is staring through Henry's living room window. I prayed to God that nothing would happen to the third of the Goodman siblings.

 As everyone should know by now, God has a sick sense of humor. Seriously, praying to him is just BEGGING for some crazy shit to happen to you.

 But nope. Something just HAD to happen to me, because I guess the world hates me.

To be fair, it's not just you. It hates your your whole family.

 Alright, enough of my self-pity. On with my story, I ain't got all day.

 Woah, you're the one telling it. I mean, I'll admit I sure as hell don't have all day to listen to angsty whining, but it's odd to hear the speaker say they "don't have all day."

 Well, I had moved in to an apartment in Dayton, Ohio. I was unpacking my things and so forth. There was a small storage room by the patio of the apartment, and I opened the door to put some things in there. It seemed to be empty, and I walked in. Then I looked down on the floor and saw I had almost stepped on a black USB drive. I picked it up and stuck it in my pocket.

I was curious as to why it was left sitting in a storage closet, and also if there was anything on it. I had my laptop with me, so I decided I'd see for myself later on after I had unpacked a few more things.

 Well, later on in the day, after I had done all the unpacking for that day, I got out my laptop and turned it on. It didn't have an internet connection, since I still needed to get Comcast to transfer my cable and phone services over to my new home. Just in case there were viruses on the drive, I loaded up Windows XP on a virtual machine. I plugged in the USB drive, and it did the usual autorun thing prompting me with what I wanted to do. I chose to open a folder to view the files. What was in the drive seemed to be files for some kind of game. I ignored those and found the actual game application, which was named "knob.exe". It was the game.

 Big shocker there. Whenever I click a "EXE" file for a game, my computer usually pops up a picture showing me getting kicked in the nuts.

 It seemed to be some kind of 16-bit platformer game. You controlled some stick figure thing and guided him through the levels. There was no title screen or anything. It just went right to the first level. The level was some city streets or something, and you had to avoid the traffic to get through the level.

 So someone was planning on making a platformer version "Frogger" for the SNES?

 The really weird part was every now and then someone walking along would notice the stick figure, and scream bloody murder.

 A BRITISH "Frogger" platformer game with awesome sound.

 The stick figure would then proceed to grab the person and strangle them to death.

 o_O And it was going to be friggin hardcore. I need this game.

 I got through the first 4 levels, but then I got to the 5th level.

As to be expected after going through the first 4 levels.

 Instead of a city street, the stick figure was standing inside a storage room. My heart skipped a beat when I realized where I was: it was a perfect 16-bit replica of the storage room I had found the USB drive in. Without me even moving him, the character walked over to the door and opened it. He went outside, and the scene transitioned to another familiar place: the patio just outside my apartment. Out of paranoia, I looked out through the glass door leading out to the apartment patio, and to my horror, somebody was there.

OH MY GOD IT'S FUCKING PEDO BEAR!!!!!!

 It was the most disturbing creature I'd ever seen. He was completely naked, and hunched over like a gorilla. He was horribly skinny, and so pale it looked like he'd never seen the light of day in his life. Black fur grew along his spine. His face...he wore an expression of unspeakable malice and insanity. His mouth was 2 times the size of a normal human's mouth. His teeth were HUGE, and his evil smile stretched up all the way to his forehead.

OK, I know, minor nitpick here, but look back up at the image I mentioned? Does it look like the smile stretches up that high?

He had claws...claws longer than his fingers, and they looked sharp enough to cut my head clean off.

Gotta say, it must be a pain in the ass for him to jerk off. And I mean come on, it's a male creature stalking a girl from her Apartment patio, we all know what he was doing. I mean, how else do you think she was able to identify the creature as a "male" so quickly?

Then the thing I dreaded the most happened: he looked up at me, with his cold, wicked eyes, and that horrible smile.

I glanced back at my laptop's screen for a second. The stick figure on the game was looking into the glass window door, just as this terrible creature was doing.

I looked back. The creature was beckoning me over to him with his bony, clawed

Erection?

index finger.

...Oh.

The character on the game was also beckoning.

I didn't want to go with this beast. I couldn't.

Why not?

But I had lost control of my body. I got up and walked straight into the clutches of that monster. I tried to turn away, but my body fought back.

I opened the glass window door, and stepped out onto the patio. Being close-up to this...thing...was even worse than seeing him from inside my apartment.

He held up a map for me to see, and pointed out some directions with his wicked sharp claw.

"So, uh yeah... Then you take the left off of 22 and go about 2 or 3 miles..."

 He sliced...

I woke with a start, sweating and breathing heavily, heart pounding against my ribs like a hammer.

BOOOO!!!! COP OUT! COP OUT! COP OUT! COP OUT!!!

It...it was just a dream.

Yeah, I couldn't figure that out. Thanks for telling me.

 After a while of just sitting there I calmed down. It seemed I had fallen asleep sometime while playing the game. I guess it made sense. I had been having trouble sleeping the past few nights, and was probably tired.

I looked at the laptop screen. There was a message saying the game had encountered a problem and needed to close blah blah blah.

I became curious about the directions the creature in my dream had given me. They were real directions to a real place.

That you saw in your dreams. Odds are the directions were just bullshit.

Some pond around the area. I decided just for the heck of it I'd go there tomorrow.

Just for the heck of it? Well, better then the usual, "I kept feeling an urge that I needed to go there... Time to go grab the idiot ball."

The next day after breakfast I got in my car and followed the directions to the pond. I got there, and got out of the car.

I skipped some rocks and such for a few minutes. Not having much of a reason to stay, I started to walk back to the car.

But then I noticed something on the ground out of the corner of my eye. I stopped, and went over to examine it.

It was a wooden trap door of some kind.

If it is noticeable just by someone looking around randomly, then it has got to be the worst trap door ever.

I remembered the nightmare I had, and became paranoid. But then I realized how silly I was being. It was just a dream. Nothing bad can REALLY be here...right?

We all know the answer to that question.

There was a handle on the trap door that I could lift to open it. Cautiously I grabbed the handle and pulled up, to reveal darkness below. I needed a flashlight. I thought I had one in the back of my car. I went to go check, and sure enough, I found one.

Well, that sure was lucky. Seriously, how many people just keep flashlights laying around in their cars?

The space was empty, with nothing but dirt on all sides. But then my flashlight shined on something that made my blood run cold. Something that made me sprint back out the trapdoor, slamming it shut behind me, and back into my car, to drive home and smash the USB drive I had found the day before into tiny pieces and then burn the pieces (the disturbing part is the hissing sound the drive made when I did this, like some terrible snake).

It was a figure, hunched over like a gorilla. Horribly skinny and pale. Fur on spine. Drooping black hair. Insane deformed face. It was the creature from my nightmare, and he was looking right into my eyes.

...Weak.

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Final Verdict:

Unlike most of the stuff that I review on here, this one has pretty good grammar and even fewer spelling mistakes, so big plus there. In fact, I think from a technical standpoint, it's the most well written thing I've done on here, which is no surprise since the author HAS written some good things.

Sadly, the story (which, again, is rather clearly meant to be a parody) seems to be taking itself too seriously to really be too enjoyable. So, instead of a funny parody of an overrated creepypasta, we have a rather dull pasta that is more or less typical flare. I know there is a fine line to walk when doing parodies, but I really wish the author had been a bit more over the top when writing this... But as is, it's actually pretty decent, if typical.

Rating: 6/10 Funny photoshop pics.

Also, I must close this out by saying that I had this written up and ready to go for a while now... But when I originally typed it up a few weeks ago, I had made the mistake of doing it ALL using the "HTML" function instead of the "Compose" function. I didn't notice until I had looked at one of my Happy Appy posts... So, feel free to think I am an idiot or what have you. See you next time.

I'll be back soon

To whom it may concern, since I don't believe I ever had a regular reader on this blog, I know that I've been gone a long time. I don't really feel comfortable disclosing all details, so I'll just stick to the short versions on why I was gone. (1) Real life simply got in the way. After a major incident happen to me and my family, I simply couldn't muster up any will power to go back and start looking at Happy Appy, or any other Creepypasta. I needed time to recover, to let the dark thoughts out, before I dove back into a (mostly) dark genre. (2) My laptop got a virus because of my stupidity (and no I was not looking at porn... Everyone seems to jump to that conclusion) so I had to go out and get an anti virus program. It's a minor problem, but I probably would of been able to get this message to you guys sooner had that little incident not occurred. (3) I fully intend to continue with my Happy Appy project as soon as I begin posting on a regular basis again. I'm currently in the process of re-reading the series and that will pretty much determine when I begin posting again. So, my goal is to begin posting again on a regular basis by the start of April. I might be back to posting regularly sooner, might not be, but I do know that I intend on posting here and there throughout March. I thank you for your patience and understanding.

Happy Appy Pt. 2

Credit: Creepypasta Wiki

Before I begin, let me just say that I did a bit of the research I should have done Yesterday and found out the story was originally posted by a user named "Dronian" on the Creepypasta Wiki. I don't know why I thought it was originally posted on an actual blog site, though considering that stories like "BEN Drowned" were pretty much copied and pasted post off of other sites, would it have really been that unusual.

Today, we find out what happens when you call that hotline, we see a little bit more killing, we find out that shit is getting real, and we sort of kind of meet the man that made this story possible. Let's a go.
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February 25th, 2011
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Hey, I called the 1-900 hotline mentioned on Episode 3. It was a pre-recording, which I will transcribe for you.

Even after I said I didn't care? How sweet of you...

"Hello! My name is Happy Appy! I am every kid's most helpful and favorite Apple! If you want to make a donation, press 1. If you want to know about the earthquake, press 2."

"If you want to know if you should really give a crap, press 3. If you want hot sexxxy lovin' from an apple tonight, press 4..."

When I pressed two, the hotline said this.

"An earthquake and tsunami has recently hit Japan, and we need all the help we can get! If you can make a donation of 1, 2, 5, 10, 20, 50, or 100 dollars, you will be a big help! Anyone who donates gets a Happy Appy badge!"

Alright, a little off topic, but why is it that help hotlines only ask for very specific donations? I find it weird that they don't just say, "Hey, unless your a total heartless jerk, you need to donate to help these people during desperate times. We don't care how much, every bit helps." That seems much more practical then asking for $5 specifically. Why, yes, I do need to quit stalling.

So, I went ahead and donated a dollar to the donation for the fun of it by using an outdated bank account that I never used. It responded.

"Thank you for helping with the aid for the Tsunami! Look in your mailbox in a week from now, because you'll get your Happy Appy badge!"

"Also, we'll hunt you down and force you to do a scene for "The Towers" if you we find out that you used a bad bank account."

I’m wondering what earthquake Happy predicted. Between 1999 and the current day, there were no 9.0 earthquakes in Japan. Since the 2003 Hokkaido Earthquake was pretty close to when the episode was released, as well as the magnitude mentioned in the radio broadcast, I guess he was predicting about that.

Well, that earthquake didn't cause a tsunami genius. The 2006 Kuril Islands earthquake, an 8.0, on the other hand did. But of course, that wasn't a big enough train wreck and ergo wouldn't be as awesome a prediction.

February 27th, 2011
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Episode 9 was corrupt, to say the least.

As corrupt as a series about a killer apple can be anyway...

It started up, but it had no audio, and the first part was so badly compressed that it was hardly viewable. The next part was just plain static for the rest of the video.

“Great, 2 missing episodes”, I thought.

I'm thinking the same thing, as that means 2 gore fests that I don't have to suffer through... How come I have  feeling though that once you decide to pull an idea from your butt you are going to revisit those 2 episodes? *shudder*

Episode 10, called "Happy's Trick", was actually watchable. It started with some weird, off-beat carnival music, and Happy Appy doing his death smile.

Great, so now on top of the pedo vibe you have been channeling, you're now going for scary clowns. Any more cliché vibes you wish to go for?

As the episode went on, scars started to appear on Happy's clay body.

"Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal"

 It began with Happy in his van, driving on the road, which looped on and on. Eventually, he reached the playground, where many children were at play. Happy jumped out, and looked like he was ready to kill all of them.

Yeah, I bit it got you all wiled up for the gorn, didn't it!?

Happy jumped out, and looked like he was ready to kill all of them. He said "Hey kids, who wants to see Happy do a magic trick?" The kids cheered, and ran into his van. Happy closed the door and drove off. After a few minutes, he came back, smiling like he just killed them all. The inside of the van was covered in blood as well.

So... I'm assuming that he did kill them.

I couldn't take it anymore. For some reason, Happy was making me feel nauseous.

For some reason, this story is doing the same thing to me.

But I kept going. The rest of the show before the credits was him reading the news. It looked absolutely normal, until the camera zoomed on the newspaper, which was reporting on future events that didn't happen for a long time. Just a few examples were the Libyan riots, the death of Michael Jackson, and the SS Columbia disaster.

Do you remember when all these terrible things happen!? Do you!? DO YOU!? Well, they predicted all of it, and it's all creepy and stuff!!!

Hey, if you REALLY wanted to have Happy predict a disaster, you should of had him predict Tim Tebow's NFL career.

Meanwhile, there were random breaks, which showed a "behind the scenes" look at him murdering a child in his van. At the credits, Happy was holding a knife, covered with blood. The camera shot down, where there was a table. A hand with cut marks was visible.

...*sigh*

"I bleed it out
Digging deeper just to throw it away"

"If you get these DVDs, I copied Happy over to them.

REALLY!? I couldn't tell, what with having watched all 10 episodes before this message popped up.

I wanted to preserve this so that they weren't lost forever. Now you might wonder, how did Nick allow all 10 episodes (or 7)?

(Or 8... Or maybe it was the first 5. I forget.)

I don't know. They just did, that's what. If you want to know more, see me.

-KC"

When Harry Wayne Casey gives you a task, you had best not let him down. That's the way (Uh huh uh huh) he likes it (Uh huh uh huh)

Wait, who was KC? Was that my friend, Kevin Seward Costo? Well, when I first met him, he did say that he worked with Nick until the end of the millennium, so he probably helped with Happy Appy.

So HE'S the one who is to blame for this mess. I hope that damn dirty apple gives him what he deserves.

When I entered, Kevin wasn't home. Instead, his wife was sitting in his bedroom, crying. I asked her what happened to Kevin. She replied with something that shocked me. "I don't know what happened, but someone or something kidnapped him last night. I'm not sure where my husband went, but whoever kidnapped him left this piece of paper. Take it." I got a folded up piece of paper. I unfolded it, and it was a picture of Happy Appy during the 9/11 scene, with the exception that he looked badly scarred like in Episode 10.

That has got to be the least threatening "meant to be threatening" item ever.

Before I left, I asked her how those horrifying episodes got on Noggin. She replied with "T-this man h-had drugged the producers! He was g-going to-"

He-hey, maybe we'll finally get some REAL background into this show!!!

That was enough. I couldn't bear to take it anymore, so I left the house, and drove off.

...SERIOUSLY!? YOU WERE ABOUT TO GET THE ANSWER YOU WERE LOOKING FOR AND JUST SAID, "Man, this shit about a murdering apple and kidnapping is getting too intense. Fuck this, I'm going home." Just, just... wow.

Also, nice of you to just sort of not give a crap about your "friend" or his wife. Really, stay the course bro...

When I got out, I started to walk back to my house. I heard a gunshot and screams from a woman, probably Kevin's wife. I instantly ran to my house, because I know whoever killed Kevin was trying to kill me.

It's nice to know our protagonist is a sniveling coward...

Before I opened the door, I saw one last glimpse behind me. It was Kevin's mutilated arm in a bush, and an unknown figure standing behind it.
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Today's Verdict:

Well, the grammar issues are still there. In fact, I'll just go ahead and say that they never really go away, so... there is that.

In case you can't tell, this is when the story starts to get silly, because this is when we find out that this show is SERIOUS BUSINESS and the bits that aren't really related to the show start. It will generally raise more questions then answers and make one wish to bang their head against a wall... But I'm getting ahead of myself.

BTW, I'm betting that tomorrow I do more then two post... I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not. Come back tomorrow to find out!

Happy Appy Pt. 1

Credit: Creepypasta Wiki.

Alright, I'm up nice and early (4 AM my time) and ready to start on this monster. Source is the Creepypasta wiki. Not sure who posted it, however, or where it was originally posted. Of course, Copypastas (which Creepypastas are a sub-category for) can be hard to track. Anyway... Let's get started.
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February 23rd, 2011
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Hello. I will be writing on this blog because I am researching a show called Happy Appy.

Well, aren't you special?

One of the main reasons why I'm researching this show is because I've been fascinated with missing TV shows, episodes, and movies. Like most people who research missing episodes, I'm hell-bent on finding London After Midnight, the 108 missing Doctor Who episodes and Him, the 1974 film where a man has a sexual obsession with Jesus.

As you will discover, many of those are far more interesting then the subject manner of this story.

Another reason I want to research this show is because I had an experience with it around 2000.

"A creepy man, in an apple suit, came up to me and touched me... In places..."

It was around 8 in the morning. My younger brother, who was six at the time, was watching a local station in its child TV show block. After a dubbed over Blue's Clues, it started to air a show called Счастливые Яблоко, or Happy Apple.

Because I'm not fluent in... whatever language that is (I'm assuming Russian) I'm going to assume that is just a direct translation and NOT a typo.

 I can barely remember the episode, but it was about this apple who was trying to help a kid named Nathaniel. It felt sort of low-budget, but since my brother liked the episode, I didn't mind him watching it. The only thing that made me suspicious was this evil smile that the apple did in the middle of the episode. Despite that I should be helping the search for any video of said missing movies, I'm going to research this one series for now.

I'm sure this series isn't going to consume his life or anything.

Sometime during early 1999, Nickelodeon launched Noggin, a program block that showed TV shows for children. A show on Noggin named Happy Appy, which sounds like a song a babysitter would sing, was first shown within a few weeks of the channel's existence.

The plot of Happy Appy is about a giant clay apple with arms, baby blue eyes, giant dark green lips, and a big green leaf being held up by a rusty bent stick.

In short, it was as low budget as low budget can get. By the way, look at the pic at the top of this post. Does the stick look rusted to you? No? Good luck finding a pic that accurately depicts it like that.

He would go around in a van helping children when they got hurt.

Really? Nothing cliché about that...

As the show's episodes progressed, it just got weirder.

Spoiler alert: weirder = increasingly violent and stupid.

To show one example, Happy Appy kept doing this deranged smile when he was near children.

Drives a van? Check. Deranged smiling? Check. Taking all bets now, child murderer, pedophile, or both!?

It reminded me too much of that smile that he did in the episode I watched. Later in the show's run, they changed Happy's stick to a non-rusty stick, which was still bent.

Which makes him look lamer as opposed to more creepy. To be fair though, that is an aesthetic change I could see a children's show making, so it's alright. While we are talking about this though, how exactly does a stick rust?

The show was one of the shorter shows on the block, at a normal length of 10 minutes long. The episodes were normally played in duets, making each full episode 20 minutes long minus commercials. A couple of months after Happy Appy aired its first episode, Nickelodeon cancelled the show, and it was never shown again on Noggin or Nick Jr. Even the much more appropriate episodes weren't shown for whatever reason.

For "whatever reason" indeed.

However, some parents did record the show, but they were VHS copies.

The magical world of VHSs... And no I don't care if that is the correct plural spelling.

Of those said VHS copies, only a few survived through the years. The tapes were destroyed either due to neglect or disgust, or were simply misplaced and lost for a long time. I was one of the lucky ones that had a copy of the show. Yesterday, when I did some winter cleaning, I found an old DVD with sharpie written on it. It read ‘HA Episodes’, so I did some research on what the HA meant.

"Hawaii 5-0" perhaps? How about hectares? I for one would love to watch a TV show about a measurement.

My first choice was the forum about missing episodes/films that I normally go to.

When I entered the missing episode section of the forum, the first thread I saw was one named "HA? What's this?" It was posted by a woman who had, like me, found a DVD with the initials "HA" on it. As I read the thread more, I found out that the initials on the disc stood for Happy Appy. This instantly reminded me of the weird low-budget show that I watched with my brother in 2000. In the replies, the users claimed that there are no known DVD copies around. I'm not sure how the disc got there, though. I certainly don't remember owning a disc that looked like it!

After viewing the thread, I went ahead and put it into the disk drive, hoping that it would work. Thankfully, the disc did work, and it instantly cut to the intros of the episode, no menus or anything.

How come I doubt that "Thankfully" is the right word?

Happy Appy's intro song had the same tune as Mary Had a Little Lamb. It went something like this.

Happy Appy Appy App,
Happy App, Happy App
Happy Appy Appy App,
He helps kids all day!
Happy Appy Appy App,
Happy App, Happy App
Happy Appy Appy App,
He helps kids all day!
Happy Appy Appy App,
Happy App, Happy App
Happy Appy Appy App,
He helps kids all day!

Man, who ever wrote that was REALLY phoning it in that day.

I just want to point out that if you ever sing the song, the word "kids" is held, meaning that there is no pause between the words. Anyways, that's enough with discussing the intro of the show.

I always thought that there was more to the intro then just the intro song. Guess I was wrong.

Here's what the episodes are about. Episode 1 and 2 were called “Happy's Vacation” and “Hurt Happy”, respectively.

Happy's Vacation was exactly what you’d expect. Happy Appy goes on a vacation to the beach, helps injured kids, and even talks down a bully into not hurting a child.

How do you know that's what I expected? Maybe I thought Appy's ideal vacation was a trip to NYC?

Hurt Happy was about Happy's stick getting broken, and the kids teamed up to help Happy Appy by giving him bandages and fruit.

Yes, give the fruit some fruit to eat! That's sure to help him!!!

Nothing seemed out-of-place when I first saw it, but when I saw it a second time, the episodes looked a little suspicious. When Happy was driving his van to the beach in Happy's Vacation, some frames were skipped. At first, I just ignored it, saying that it could be a scratched DVD. But when I checked the disc, it had no scratches on it whatsoever. Also, during the fruit scene in Hurt Happy, the kids gave him an apple for whatever reason. It could have been a mistake by the producers, though.

I don't see how one makes that kind of mistake, unless their brain just stopped functioning.

Finally, I noticed some things in Hurt Happy that looked out-of-place. In Happy's van, there was what looked like the border of the HOPE poster, but it was so out of frame that it could have been something else. Also, in Happy’s Vacation, the radio plays what sounds like a country cover of "Hot and Cold", which was made in 2008 and very out-of-place for a kid's show. I thought those were just coincidental.

Coincidental? I can get how you may think the HOPE poster might be a coincidence, but a country cover of "Hot and Cold?" Either Katy Perry somehow traveled back in time to take part in this (which is totally possible) or the creators of Happy Appy should be able to sue Katy for plagiarizing their song.

On a side note, is there ANY real reason for this? I have tried to find some reasoning behind "Hot and Cold" being in this story at all, but I have no clue.

Well, I was wrong. Episodes 3 and 4 were stranger. The intros of these two episodes were cut out, but I found out that Episode 4's name was "Nate Needs Help". This struck out to me, because this was the very same episode I saw with my brother, but in English!

Episodes 3 and 4 were missing a few scenes, and, overall, more disturbing than Episodes 1 and 2. On Episode 3, about 5:10 in is when Happy Appy does his first evil smile for 25 seconds.

Nice of you to tell us about Episode 3. No really. Real informative!!!

One moment that could send chills down anyone's spine was the Booboo scene in Nate Needs Help. Happy aids Nate, who has a bruise on his knee. He looks to the camera, giving off the same evil smile that I remember from 2000, and says "What does Nate need for this booboo?” For 30 seconds, he stared at the camera, motionless, with his dark blue soulless eyes locking on to anyone watching. Finally, he broke the silence with "That's right, a bandage!" Why he needed that long to speak, I will never know.

This guy has apparently never watched "Dora the Explorer."

Also, the out of place objects were getting more noticeable. There was a news broadcast about a 9.0 earthquake that recently struck Japan.

I wonder if a kid or another fruit was the anchor.

Happy responded "Oh no! If you want to help the Japanese, call this number!" and a 1-800 number was listed.

February 24th, 2011
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I watched Episode 5, which had a few differences from the first four episodes. First off, it had Happy on his rustless stick. Secondly, this episode got a lot more violent.

Ah, so this is where the pointless violen-... I mean FUN begins.

The episode began with Happy on the playground, but he wasn't playing with the kids, or helping them. He was just staring at them, with that unsettling smile I hate so much.

I'm sure some sicko song was playing in his head too... Probably "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne.

A group of kids are seen playing with jump ropes, when Happy walks over to them.

He calmly tells them something, but I could barely hear what he said. From what I heard, I could only make out "Hello... Happy... I... how... me... please?"

Allow me to try and fill in the blanks... "Hello, I'm your sugar dad- I mean, Happy Appy. I would love it if you sexeh... I MEAN INNOCENT, young children would follow me into the bushes... Please?"

I could see where this was going, as the kids walk with Happy into the bushes of the playground.

I think all of us see where this is going...

Loud violent screams are heard for almost a minute and a half, until Happy is seen dragging three bloody bodies to his van. For the rest of the episode, he does that damn death smile! Why did they use that look so much?

When your budget is only $15, you're going to get the most out of your props.

Episode 6 showed Happy doing his death smile at the beginning, but it was hardly viewable. Around a third of the way in, it went static it for the rest of the show.

I don't believe it...

I couldn't believe it.

I know. How can the creators be that lazy!?

I moved on to Episode 7 and 8. This time, the episodes were so violent and so badly made that they couldn't have been aired on Noggin at all.

Or, you know, they could be the reasons the show got canceled. You never know.

Episode 7 had Happy Appy take a kid into his van. Flesh cutting could be heard, and so could blood splatters on the windows and horrified screams, which turned into gurgles.

"This will teach you to eat my kind!!!!"

Happy emerged, doing a death smile from 09:21 to the end of the show, or 10:00. Like Episode 7, Episode 8 was gory and violent. But this episode, called "The Towers", was so coincidental and violent that I couldn't believe Noggin would even allow it, unless it was some sort of hijacking.

Ah, "hijacking." I see what you did there. Hardy har friggin har har. You are not prepared my friends...

YOU!

ARE!!

NOT!!!

PREPARED!!!!

It starts out with Happy Appy walking around the playground when two kids ask him what the cycle of life is so that they could complete their homework.

That's a bit of an odd homework assignment for elementary school kids. Wonder if any teacher ever summed the lesson up as "Life sucks, and then you die!"

He proceeds to tell the kids about the cycle of life in frogs and plants. The kids said "Thanks, Happy! Can you play with us for a bit?" Happy agrees, and they start playing on the playground. When this happens, smoke starts to creep behind Happy and the children. It gets to a point where they start coughing because of how dense the smoke is, so they turn around to see what was making the smoke. Happy gasps at the sight in front of them.

"MY GOD... IT'S THE TENTH CRICLE OF HELL!!!!"

Two towers were on fire and were burning up.

Sound familiar?

A few people can be seen falling out of windows to escape the fire.

Just in case there is any doubt...

There was a lot of screaming, falling debris, and a crashed airplane in one of the towers.

...Yeah...

Only the tail of the plane was visible, sticking out like a sore thumb and nearing the point of collapse. I could hear a faint whining noise at this point, and I think that it was one of the plane's engines which was probably still on. Seven seconds later, the tail of the plane finally broke apart, with the largest piece of the tail hitting and killing someone. During this scene, fire trucks could be heard trying to douse out the flames, but it only slows the flames down. The wailing of ambulances could also be heard, taking away the bodies of the people who jumped from the towers. It showed a weird guy on fire falling out of one of the towers, screaming.

How nice of you to describe him as weird. Jerkass.

We saw Happy and the kids again, but this time, they stood still in fear. The smoke kept getting thicker and thicker, slowly obscuring the trees and equipment of the playground. The debris from the towers fell around the kids and Happy, and a person ran up to them and told them to run away from the towers before running off. When the older kid worriedly said "Happy Appy, why are the towers on fire?” it cut to a higher-up floor that was near where the plane crashed, which revealed a kid that was crushed under a huge piece of concrete, crying for help. Some other kids tried to help him by lifting the piece of concrete off him. He was screaming so loud, it was almost heartbreaking. There were bodies and blood everywhere, and the pain and fear on the trapped kid’s face was so realistic, I cringed. After the shot with the kid trapped under the concrete, we see the younger kid say “Happy Appy, why are people running and falling from the towers?”

I don't care how young he is, the kid would be able to figure that out.

Happy Appy turns to the camera, death smile on face, and very coldly said three words. Those three words will haunt me as long as I research this show.

"That's natural, children."

He took the two kids away from the towers, leaving the kid stuck under concrete screaming for help. When the credits rolled, the audio of the scene kept playing, and at the end, before it cut out, something collapsed, making a very loud noise that could scare anyone watching.

I jumped out of my seat. Was Happy a death bringer in the form of an apple? Or was he a master predictor? If that episode somehow predicted 9/11, I have to watch Episodes 9 and 10 to see if there was anything else predicted. I might not see any predictions, though, and to be honest, I hope not.

Really, that's just the author admitting he's making this up as he goes along. I know that's not always a bad thing, but still...

Oh, and you want to know what happens when someone calls the tsunami aid phone number?

Not really...

Tomorrow, I’m going to go and call it.

Well, aren't you as special as an actual flea in a flea market?
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Today's Verdict: This seems like a good stopping point. I won't be giving a "Final Verdict" until I reach the conclusion of this story, so I'll just give a verdict on what I read today...

First, allow me to go off on a tangent that is related to a problem this story has already ran into. The story has peaked WAAAAAAYYYYYY too early. You see, I love the idea of a story that gets creepier and a bit more violent as the story goes on, but this story is not that. This story is getting a little bit more creepier (like Eps 5 and 6) and then throwing it right out the window and turning it into a gore fest (like Eps 7 and 8) probably because the author just wanted to get to the hyperviolence and the gore and all that crap. From this point on the episodes become nothing more then attempting to, and failing to, top the last one. When you start saying that a show predicted 9/11, and with such graphic accuracy, you can't top it. Sorry. You lose. End of story. That is really when this story lost me and though it isn't when it starts to get really, really silly (Yes, silly) it is the point where everything just started to sort of go downhill for this installment. As for everything else, the spelling seems to be fine, but the grammar is a bit all over the place here. I'm not a grammar Nazi or anything, as I'm sure many of you can tell, but even I spotted a few glaring mistakes.

Anyway, see you tomorrow for the next installment...

Alright, back to posting...

It has been quite a while since I posted anything on here. Forgive me if my grammer/writing is a bit off, I am rather tired at the moment, but I want to get this post out ASAP. Also, since this is a more formal post, I won't run it through the ol' spelling and grammar check. On a side note, one thing I plan on improving on by the end of the year is double checking my work. I've noticed a lot of my mistakes usually come down to me not doing that... Granted, I'm not a grammar Nazi (though I can be a spelling one) so meh.

The intention for me for starting this particular blog always was to post on a regular basis and I hate that I had to break away from that. A few personal things came up, I'd rather not mention them here obviously, and so I was kept away from the blogosphere for some time. I would like to forget about all that, and talk about my plan moving forward.

The "Cupcakes" riff that I was sooooooo subtle about hinting about (wasn't I, WASN'T I!?) is on hold for now. I feel out of contact with my partner when I wished to resume work on it (I still hate that I deleted our original draft... So embarrassing) and seeing how it is a pasta based on a show I only know marginally about (I know it has a pony crew called the Mane 6 and I know about Discord, that's about it) I will not resume it until I actually watch the show or I can find a new partner.

Still, that was already the thing I had planned to use as a decent comeback for being away for so long. Since I have been away even longer now, that means I must make a bigger comeback. That brings me to this...

Photo credit to: DingoWalleyStudios on Newgrounds

...Yeah.

I will go ahead and say right now, this is one of the pastas that I thought I would never riff when I started this site and it isn't because it's good. It's OK at best. Want to know what else it is? Long. REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long. If I'm doing this, I'm doing the whole freakin' saga too. To be fair, it was not meant to be read in one sitting, but that is how I do most of my riffs. I read it once (thankfully, in regards to the first 3 parts of this story, I have already done that), then go back and do the riff in the next sitting. This BEAST needs a different approach.

My plan for now is that I will riff however much I can handle in one sitting, as I am going to assume that me, you, and the rest of my readers have the same pain tolerance, and basically make it a MASSIVE multiparter. In between each of the different saga parts, I will take a break and do an unrelated pasta before picking back up with the saga, to give me self a break.

You know, even though I'm dreading it, I guess I should look on the bright side. They do say, after all, that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. I don't know if the source was thinking of an apple quite like Appy when saying that, but you never know.

Feel free to tell me that joke was lame by the way, and also feel free to give me any suggestions for the format. I will also say that I might take the chance to experiment with a live reading format or whatever other format comes into my mind to try and keep things fresh.

That's all for now, I'll start Monday. No post planned for Sunday. If I find a quickie, I'll riff it, but that's about the only way I'll post tomorrow. See you next time...

Quick Update

My next review should be up by the weekend. I can't believe how long it's taking to complete, but I think it will be worth it.